Sunday, February 20, 2005

i just want some one to save me

don't you just love these weekends that mildly suck in that not so bad sort of way? it's no like they're awful and i'd like to forget about it forever, but it's not really good either. but it might just be that i'm getting a little numb again.

so the party friday night was completely worthless and is probably the most boring gathering of people i've ever been to of my own free will. the bonfire was pretty though.

saturday i had the joy of waking up early, feeling really great after my interview at the art contest... and then i was metaphorically thrown off of a cliff. it is a bit disheartening when you come out of something feeling so good, like you've done really well, and then almost everybody else is recognized but you. maybe it is just a fluke? but probably not. i am probably just not a worty artist.

funny how i was more creative and could more easily express myself when i was younger. funny or depressing. it is beginning to seem like i'm good at a lot of things, but not really great at any of it. for example: i've been dancing since i was two, but i'm nothing sensational. i'm pretty good at tap, but let's face it, i suck at pointe and am alright at everything else. i've been playing piano for about 11 years now. and i am really, truthfully, not exceptionally good at it. i'm not bad, but like all the other things i do, you wouldn't hear me play and think, "wow, she's really good".

but back to the art thing... my mom told me something when i came home and felt like forgetting about how much of a failure i felt like. she told me it didn't matter, that the people who really matter and who love me thought it was a great picture. and that made my day better. and the lady who critiqued my work said it was really good. heh, school is screwing me over. making me care too much about scores and forget to pay attention to what's really important.

i just remembered that and realized how much of an ansty ass i've been lately. and how it needs to just stop. i am probably a burden on a lot of you, and for that i'm sorry. but thankful that you're there.

my mom is right. and i am sure things will work out for me in the end. and if they don't? i'll just try harder, i guess.

you only get one life, after all.

i'll always be there when you wake