Saturday, November 11, 2006

which one which one... they are not that great, it seems. something weird happened to my hair, and she had me do weird things and i felt like i was going to fall out. too bad i didn't, that would've been an awesome picture!

Sunday, November 05, 2006

i've waited and waited

i'm not entirely sure why i've been so.. odd? lately. apparently i have been, i guess. maybe everybody's just been off. or maybe it's probably just me.

but anyway, hopefully things will calm down. get better. etc etc. we said that during junior year, and then the summer came. beautiful, glorious summer. and how it was awesome. but then it ended and senior year ended up being way less than expected.

i'm weirdly torn between loving things right now and hating them. it's nice to be challenged with almost all of my classes, but is it good for my sanity? it might be too much. but i'll be fine, we all will be.

college stuff is starting to worry me less and less. aside from the frustration of organizing all the various things i need from teachers/counselors for all the various schools, the applications aren't that bad, and in some cases, even dorkily enjoyable. it's nice to be able to write about my passions and have a reason to, again. school seemed to eat away so much of me, which is weird. we should flourish, not wilt.

i figure wherever i end up, be it columbia or ut or wherever, it will be ok. i will learn and i will find something i love doing. so will you. hopefully we all will.

and things definitely do not go as planned at all. but maybe it's for the better.

a lot of things have changed in one year, and i was overwhelmed. am overwhelmed. but i surfaced and am breathing again, at least. now i just have to find my footing.

that metaphor makes me almost want to laugh. so ridiculous sometimes.

finally i can look at my schoolwork and think not, "god how am i going to get all of this done in the hours between when i get home from dance and when school starts", but about how interesting some of it is.

like my almost scary love of some of the biology we're doing. i could go into microbiology, i think. or biochemistry. it might be cool to do medical research. or maybe i could write for a scientific journal, maybe for some awesome magazine like national geographic. travelling would be awesome. advertising would also be a lot of fun. graphic design. who knows.

all i know is that i will find somewhere, hopefully, where i can be happy and finally feel less empty.

i hope the same for you.

i've got to get out of this hole

Wednesday, November 01, 2006

when the oceans are dark

i did a bad thing. and i'm sorry. i know it was bad, and i feel horrible.

but that doesn't make it ok.

i miss you already
and want things to be ok again
but i know they won't be for a while
and that it's my fault.

and i'm sorry.

but i hope, eventually, you can believe me again. or at least maybe talk to me.

and i understand you for not talking to me for a long time.

if i were you, i would forget that i (not being you) existed at all.

and i know you won't believe me when i say it
but i mean it
that i have always considered you one of my very very few best friends
i tell you more than i tell anybody
because i know i can trust you
and you understand where i'm coming from usually
and you are amazing in general.

today was so hard, and i know it must've been awful for you too.
and i'm sorry
that i did that.

i dont know what to say.
because there is nothing left to say
not that there was to begin with

the heavens are forboding